The End....

Wow 2009 was a huge year for me, but it's came to an end. My life is completely different compared to last year around this time. I lost pretty much everyone around me that I thought I was close too, and I know life changes, and people change, boy do I know. A couple great things came out of my year there, I came out with a couple of pretty great friends. Friends that know me inside and out and life is good as long as I have just one friend. What I lost was even greater, see last year in my blog I talked a lot about one person though I couldn't mention his name very much. See he was a huge part of my life, in fact I could even say he was my life, I put so much into me and him. I did however push him away due to me being I guess scared; scared of change, scared to love, and scared to leave a life I always knew behind. And I knew I had made a mistake, but it was too late for me to take it back and change it. I wish I had a time machine, I'm sure everybody wishes they had a time machine for one point of there life, the point they could return to and change the mistake that changed everything, and I am definately that person.

When I was younger I met a boy that I loved and had planned to spend my whole life with, Funny...and we were together for five long years. But my love faded, slowly and slowly, day by day. And I changed...and I've spent a lot of time thinking about what happened and what went wrong and I realized something, that's life hearts change, but also that it was young love. It wasn't the true love that you read about in fairy tales and what not; lets face it cause that never really exists. I didn't think though that I had it in me to ever love anyone else. I mean I put so much into one thing for so long and it was a major failure. I guess I was afraid for that to happen again. It's a painful thing to loose someone you love but its even more painful to loose someone who loves you. I let me being scared of getting hurt get in the way of something great, someone great, someone I could have loved forever. And your prolly wondering how I know I loved this guy unlike the other and thats easy. With this guy it was diff, I hated being away from him, I always wanted him with me, and I missed him when he wasn't with me, heck I missed him when he was beside me, just cause I knew he would have to leave and go home, or he might leave me someday forever, which is really scary. With this guy though the way I felt was different, I always wanted to look good for him and I was always excited to see him...we were a perfect match we joked about everything and we got eachother even when no one else would ever understand. He knew what I was thinking and how I felt as did I for him. We had that happy, goofy, silly kind of love. The happiness that you wish you could hold onto everyday and never let go. It was scary I never knew it existed and I had it right in front of me, you never know what you have until it's gone.

I wish there was a happy ending to this but unfortunetly happy endings are only for fairytales. See since I was afraid to love back I lost, I lost the gentle touch, the happy smiles, the silly times, the giggles, the enormous laughs, the hugs, the kisses, the simple moments, I lost it all. And it hurts everyday to think about, but the one thing that keeps me going is that I know if I ever get the chance to love and be happy like that again someday I will know better, I won't be blind to love, and I sure the hell wont push it away. Cause love is what it's all about, that's why were on this earth to love; to love our family and friends, to love our animals, and to find the one person to love your whole life, to grow old and never leave. And I believe that, I just hope its out there for me, cause it would be a shame if I never get the chance to show someone the love that I have inside of me, I have such a big heart, which means I can get hurt just as much as i love. And hopfully my heart will be filled with love!