In the last couple of months I've been very successful, and it wasn't till yesterday when I was talking to one of my friends that this came to light, or that I noticed this. I mean In the last couple of months I paid off all my debt, I had a review with my job and I got a raise, and I learned my fake friends from my real friends, oh and I went through a lot of my stuff and got rid of a lot, spring cleaning anyone? I guess I'm really proud of myself and all my accomplishments but think that I hadn't noticed all of them because I had no one to share them with. For the last seven years I always had someone there that I talked to on the phone or saw everyday that I shared everything with and now I don't really have a sturdy set person in my life in which I share everything with. I wish I did, cause I love having that feeling of knowing someone's going to be there for you at the end of the day. It has now been a month since I've had that feeling, and frankly I've been a little lost, I'm like a little lamb thrown into a lions den, and its scary. I know that I always have my family there to help me with and through things, but at the end of the day I wish I had a special someone myself. Over the last month I've become very bitter about love, because it hasn't been too kind to me, but I also realize that that's what life is for, it's for love, to find love, to expierence something so wonderful. I guess I'll never give up on the hope of finding love, but I'm not looking for it anymore either. My whole expeirence of growing up I was always chacing guys and searching for the right one, well now that's over and if someday I shall come upon a man who will love me for me the good and the bad, then maybe i'll take the chance but until then I'll remain alone and by myself. I'll remain the girl who is still trying to figure out herself and her future. I know that difficult times and a lot of confusion lies ahead in my life, which is also scary but it's something I must face.
At this point in my life, being pregnant in all, I've seen my dreams change and fade dramatically. I've always been a very free spirited girl, very ambitious, I w've wanted to dabble in a little bit of everything, modeling, literature, writing my own novel, taking art classes, traveling the world, I have always had so many things that I've wanted to do in my life, before I had a kid and now it all seems impossible. And I would never blame my kid for that because I'm really excited about my kid coming into the world, it's just now I have no clue where to go or what dreams are possible for me and it's hard, confusing, and complicated, it really sucks. All I know is that at this point all I can do is take each day as it comes and hope for the best, for me and my my baby.
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