A lot of hard decisions followed by a lot of hard decisions....

In the last couple of months I've been very successful, and it wasn't till yesterday when I was talking to one of my friends that this came to light, or that I noticed this. I mean In the last couple of months I paid off all my debt, I had a review with my job and I got a raise, and I learned my fake friends from my real friends, oh and I went through a lot of my stuff and got rid of a lot, spring cleaning anyone? I guess I'm really proud of myself and all my accomplishments but think that I hadn't noticed all of them because I had no one to share them with. For the last seven years I always had someone there that I talked to on the phone or saw everyday that I shared everything with and now I don't really have a sturdy set person in my life in which I share everything with. I wish I did, cause I love having that feeling of knowing someone's going to be there for you at the end of the day. It has now been a month since I've had that feeling, and frankly I've been a little lost, I'm like a little lamb thrown into a lions den, and its scary. I know that I always have my family there to help me with and through things, but at the end of the day I wish I had a special someone myself. Over the last month I've become very bitter about love, because it hasn't been too kind to me, but I also realize that that's what life is for, it's for love, to find love, to expierence something so wonderful. I guess I'll never give up on the hope of finding love, but I'm not looking for it anymore either. My whole expeirence of growing up I was always chacing guys and searching for the right one, well now that's over and if someday I shall come upon a man who will love me for me the good and the bad, then maybe i'll take the chance but until then I'll remain alone and by myself. I'll remain the girl who is still trying to figure out herself and her future. I know that difficult times and a lot of confusion lies ahead in my life, which is also scary but it's something I must face.

At this point in my life, being pregnant in all, I've seen my dreams change and fade dramatically. I've always been a very free spirited girl, very ambitious, I w've wanted to dabble in a little bit of everything, modeling, literature, writing my own novel, taking art classes, traveling the world, I have always had so many things that I've wanted to do in my life, before I had a kid and now it all seems impossible. And I would never blame my kid for that because I'm really excited about my kid coming into the world, it's just now I have no clue where to go or what dreams are possible for me and it's hard, confusing, and complicated, it really sucks. All I know is that at this point all I can do is take each day as it comes and hope for the best, for me and my my baby.

"When I look at You"

Everybody needs inspiration, everybody needs a song,
A beautiful melody, when the night's so long
Cause there is no gurantee, That this life is easy (yeah)

When my world is falling apart, When there is no light to break up the dark
That's when I look at you
When the waves are flooding the shore, and I cant I cant find my way home anymore
That's when I look at you

When I look at you I see forgiveness, I see the truth
You love me for who I am like the stars hold the moon
Right there where they belong, and I know Im not alone (Yeah)

When the waves are flooding the shore, and I cant find my way home anymore
That's when I look at you

You appear just like a dream to me
Just like a Kaleidoscope colors that cover me
All I need every breath that I breathe
Don't you know you're beautiful

~Miley Cyrus

And here's a quote I found the other day that I absolutely fell in love with:

"And those who were seen dancing where thought to be insane by those who could not here the music." -Friedrich Nietzsche

Where Does It End....

So It sucks....I don't know how to let go....I don't know how to let go of the pain and anger that I've accumulated over the last four years of my life....I let it all bottle up inside me and tear me apart....and its so horrible....to carry so much baggage around all the time....I wish I could just forget and let it all go....and get it all off my chest....I want to breathe again....cause right now im not breathing and I barely even living, and it just sucks. I want to live everyday to its fullest, I only have this life to live and I don't want to waist any more time....but I just can't get past everything, it's there and it hurts every second of everyday. I wish there was someone out there that could help me get past it and figure it out, but the truth is, is that there is no one. No one but me that can get me through this....maybe if I just breathe and live everyday and keep myself out of sticky situations things will get easier, life will get easier....I hope for the best everyday.....

The In Between

So last night was huge night for me, probably one of the biggest, see I come from a very God loving family, so they can be very extremely judgemental or at least at times they make me feel that way. But I had huge news to tell my uncle and my aunt, and I had no clue how to tell them my knews going into it...so we had dinner and we talked forawhile and still I couldn't say it. It was dwn to the last half hour before I was about to leave and I walked up to them. very nervous and scared, but I told them. My aunt just hugged me and told me that things would be okay and that we would ge through it together, my uncle kid of acted how I thought he would, he was very quiet at first. I think he needed time to process it and find the words to say. In the end tey were happy and there for e, which is all I needed all along. I'm going through a rough time in my life, but it helps all the more if I have people that love me there for me.

I know that this is the time in my life where I need to be strong, not only for me but also for my little one. I know that my life ahead is going to be hard, and not the easiest, but thats not the part that scares me. Cause my life has never really been that easy, and I know that I'm the one that made it that way for myself. I'm more scared of being alone, I've had a man in my life since I was 13, so I guess I don't really knw who I am. So right now before I have my kid Ik now that it's important to find myself and what makes me happy, happy without a significnt other just in case I don't get the chance to have that. I want my kid to be happy and full of life, but my kid won't have that if I'm not a happy person myself.

I've decided to right a list of things that I want to accomplish in my life, by myself, with the help of others, it doesn't matter but I think that If write this list it will help me figure out the type of person I want to be and help me figure out interests, maybe interests that I lost for awhile, they can be recovered. Guys have blocked my view so long I feel like I've missed out on my life, cause their all I've cared about, I've put them before everybody and everything including myself. Which it's good to put people first but not if you don't even know yourself. Now I'm going to move forward and make things right, right for me, and right with others. I guess there's something for my list right there; find myself and listen to what others have to say. Listening is a huge thing in life, if you don't listen to what others have to say, thenyou'll never learn, because people around you know the person you've been cause they've seen you from the outside. They can help you correct yourself in so many ways. And I'm open for suggestions.

Other than being scared though Im very excited, I mean I'm having a kid. There's a little baby inside me that's growing and developing everyday. And it is such a wonderous miricle how the process works, how my body changes, and overall carrying a little life inside of me. What's more precious than that? And the life inside of me is mine, it's my baby no one elses. Of course I'll share, but I created this little life and It's a huge deal. I can't wait for the day my baby peaks it's way into the world, I'm going to be ready for it!

The End....

Wow 2009 was a huge year for me, but it's came to an end. My life is completely different compared to last year around this time. I lost pretty much everyone around me that I thought I was close too, and I know life changes, and people change, boy do I know. A couple great things came out of my year there, I came out with a couple of pretty great friends. Friends that know me inside and out and life is good as long as I have just one friend. What I lost was even greater, see last year in my blog I talked a lot about one person though I couldn't mention his name very much. See he was a huge part of my life, in fact I could even say he was my life, I put so much into me and him. I did however push him away due to me being I guess scared; scared of change, scared to love, and scared to leave a life I always knew behind. And I knew I had made a mistake, but it was too late for me to take it back and change it. I wish I had a time machine, I'm sure everybody wishes they had a time machine for one point of there life, the point they could return to and change the mistake that changed everything, and I am definately that person.

When I was younger I met a boy that I loved and had planned to spend my whole life with, Funny...and we were together for five long years. But my love faded, slowly and slowly, day by day. And I changed...and I've spent a lot of time thinking about what happened and what went wrong and I realized something, that's life hearts change, but also that it was young love. It wasn't the true love that you read about in fairy tales and what not; lets face it cause that never really exists. I didn't think though that I had it in me to ever love anyone else. I mean I put so much into one thing for so long and it was a major failure. I guess I was afraid for that to happen again. It's a painful thing to loose someone you love but its even more painful to loose someone who loves you. I let me being scared of getting hurt get in the way of something great, someone great, someone I could have loved forever. And your prolly wondering how I know I loved this guy unlike the other and thats easy. With this guy it was diff, I hated being away from him, I always wanted him with me, and I missed him when he wasn't with me, heck I missed him when he was beside me, just cause I knew he would have to leave and go home, or he might leave me someday forever, which is really scary. With this guy though the way I felt was different, I always wanted to look good for him and I was always excited to see him...we were a perfect match we joked about everything and we got eachother even when no one else would ever understand. He knew what I was thinking and how I felt as did I for him. We had that happy, goofy, silly kind of love. The happiness that you wish you could hold onto everyday and never let go. It was scary I never knew it existed and I had it right in front of me, you never know what you have until it's gone.

I wish there was a happy ending to this but unfortunetly happy endings are only for fairytales. See since I was afraid to love back I lost, I lost the gentle touch, the happy smiles, the silly times, the giggles, the enormous laughs, the hugs, the kisses, the simple moments, I lost it all. And it hurts everyday to think about, but the one thing that keeps me going is that I know if I ever get the chance to love and be happy like that again someday I will know better, I won't be blind to love, and I sure the hell wont push it away. Cause love is what it's all about, that's why were on this earth to love; to love our family and friends, to love our animals, and to find the one person to love your whole life, to grow old and never leave. And I believe that, I just hope its out there for me, cause it would be a shame if I never get the chance to show someone the love that I have inside of me, I have such a big heart, which means I can get hurt just as much as i love. And hopfully my heart will be filled with love!

Keep On Fighting

It's been awhile since I've written here. I guess that's because before I was required to write in here and now Im not. Before I had to watch what I said in here, so I said everything I wanted to but in a hidden way. Well not anymore, I'm not in school anymore so now I'm going to tell it like I see it and feel it. I mean before I still very much expressed my emotions and feelings but now I'll be very straight forward and You'll know everything from get go. No more sugar coating anything, cause lets face it life is definately no picnic, never has been and it never will be.

The "End" in near and so is the "Beginning"

I would have to be the first one to say that it has been awile since I have written in here. I've had a lot going on in my life right now, and unfortunetly most of it is not the best. These last five months have pretty much for the most part been about friends. I've devoted a great amount of time to making my friends happy and being there for them, but in return I noticed that often times these friends would not have my back in return, and it was very disappointing due to the fact that I had put so much time and effort into buildings up these relationships. I did whatever I could to make these friends happy, including going to extraordinary lengths. But for what purpose? Most of them weren't true friends, most of them wanted to use me. Finally about a month and a half ago I said enough was enough and it all ended, and I mean everything. I deleted everybody's number from my phone, I didn't answer anybody's phone calls, I was a loner. Well I found that that wasn't exactly the way to go either. All the lonliness was too much I felt like the walls where caving in on me. So slowly I started to talk to my certain friends of mine again, and I found out that friends in little amounts of doses can be a good thing.
So your probably wondering what my title means, "The "End" is near and so is the "Beginning." well actually it's really very simple, school is coming to an end for me, a week and half to be exact, so that will be the end to the highschool chapter of my life. And yes there are many things that I will miss about being a teenager in highschool such as, all the faces there are so many people that go here and I know that after I walk down that Isle at Graduation that many of those faces will never again be seen by my eyes, and it's actually pretty sad. And i will miss the highschool friends that I made and the teachers i've made friends with. Most of my life I've wanted out of this place, but now I'm afraid of the big world out there, very excited, but afraid. And that's the beginning for me, I get to start a new life now, i'm going to meet a bunch of new people, have opportunities at new jobs, have a new chapter of schooling in college. Im overall very excited though. I'm growing up and that's a way of life. And I welcome the changes!